just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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