Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
