Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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