I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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