If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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