Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
