Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
