I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
