Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
