Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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