you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
