I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
