Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
