At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
