my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
