He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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