By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
