Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
