I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
