he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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