The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
