my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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