Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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