shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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