I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
