I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
