She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
he high fived his dick after we had sex
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
