Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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