im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
