dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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