To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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