I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
