He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
