I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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