I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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