I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
