I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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