His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
