My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
