sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
