The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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