guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
