Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
