how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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