my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
