I faked an abortion last night.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
