I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
