Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
