I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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