I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
