i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
