Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
jump out the window naked night went bad
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