Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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