Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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