So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
