Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
