yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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