Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
