My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is Oprah even human
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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