got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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