I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So here I am, sexting at work.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
