Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I understand Curling. That high.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
