You just made me feel so damn special
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
