How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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