The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
