My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
