I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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