cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
